I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
