Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
