Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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