just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
