Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
