they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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