I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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