i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
