She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize