i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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