Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
