im six kinds of drunk right now
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
