I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
