i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
