i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
