One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Come share oat with me in your robe
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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