I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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