Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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