Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
