Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
