its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
