i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just want nice things and good sex
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
