i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
After last night, I could never be a politician.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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