I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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