This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
