i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
