I skipped work to stalk him.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
