got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Randomize
