you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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