I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
