I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Randomize
