If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
