New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
