Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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