She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
