u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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