By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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