I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
