i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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