i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
