i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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