i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
