I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
...so i touched it.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
