I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
