i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
