Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
