I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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