I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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