what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
