There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
