How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
