Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You pole danced in your parka.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
