i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
