in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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