you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
