I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
